Bad Jokes and Oxymoron's [rated M]

[bigdave]

Thought that we could use a spot to post bad jokes and strange occurrences and language fopars.
Here is my first attempt at being funny.

Three depressed looking men are sitting at a bar. The first man is watching a TV located above the bar whilst sipping his beer. Man two has his arms crossed on the bar with his head resting on them. Guy three is absently picking through the bowl of nuts on the bar. On the TV is a bloke telling some sob story when the first man suddenly yell "That bloke thinks he has got problems!" startling the other 2 men and stopping the barman from cleaning the glass in his hands.
"I went home early to day to surprise the misses, but it was me that got the surprise. I found her in bed doing the dirty with my next door nabour."
"That is harsh man," replied man number two " But i think I got you beet. I went home from work last week to get some papers that I forgot and found my wife in bed with my brother!"
"HaaH, I can top that." states guy number three "I got into a fight with my girlfriend and she yell at that for the last 9 months she has been making amateur porn with my Best Mate, and then to rub salt into the wound she tell me that he is better at it than me. Things just went from bad to worse after that and it got so that I couldn't even look my Best Mate in the eye. In the end I had to put him up for adoption." This last statement causes the other two guys to look quizzically at each other.
"How could my Best Mate do that to me. Why, why why FIDO" ;D


I don't know if this will survive the moderators but I had fun writing it.

[ash]

ummm...... ill just put a warning of potential bad content in the thread title...

anyways.. hahahahhahaha

[calicojack]

my favourite oxymoron is millitary intelligence

[ThePup]

Mar 19, 2008 21:24:52 GMT 9.5 calicojack said:

my favourite oxymoron is millitary intelligence

I Can personally vouch for that one

[draconis]

Mar 19, 2008 21:32:09 GMT 9.5 ThePup said:

Mar 19, 2008 21:24:52 GMT 9.5 calicojack said:

my favourite oxymoron is millitary intelligence

I Can personally vouch for that one

I've known im' for quite a few years now... I can back that up ;D

[bigdave]

OH, the things people say without thinking first ;D

Subject: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[ash]

hahahahahaha..... Weather persons...

[bigdave]

Heres one for the ladies ;D

The Human Race
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[bigdave]

Revenge, the sweet and non-fat desert ;D

To My Dear Wife

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

[bigdave]

This the funny website that i found these on, enjoy

www.amazingjokes.com/

[bigdave]

I really don't know weather to be insulted that they think that we are that stupid or scared that they have statistical proof that we are that stupid

PRODUCT WARNINGS
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products:

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoop able Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.

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Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children

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Keep away from children

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Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

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Directions: Use like regular soap.

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CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

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Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

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Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Product Warnings
Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products:

Old Spice Red Zone Deodorant
Use only on underarms.

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Do not take if allergic to zantac.

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Ignite lighter away from face.

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Camera
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Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End

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Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner
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Swanson TV Dinners
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Hershey's Almond Bar
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Heinz Ketchup
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Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
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Boot's Children's cough medicine:
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Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado

Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.

Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

[ash]

You have been busy and thats a good thing. Im so tired right now that I needed a good laugh and that sir you provided...

[bigdave]

Not a problem sir. It's good to see the things that I was told by the teachers at high school to stop doing ( namely being the class clown) are providing me with the skills that I need to "Survive in the Real World" {typed whilst Giggling like a pre-pubescent school girl} ;D

[bigdave]

Seeing that it is getting close to anzac day I though that I would give you all a joke told to me by my Grandfather ( an anzac himself,sadly now deceased). This is a military joke that some people may not approve of but anybody is welcome to take afence as long as they put it back by morning as the dogs will get out not to mention what will the nabours say?

During world war 2 a general decides to take a surprise inspection tour of a near by hospital tent. Arriving unannounced he stroll into the first ward he finds and strides up to the occupied bed by the entry.

"Name and ailment soldier" he bellows.
The surprised looking G.I. stammers "P, P, Paterson sir, umm Hemorrhoids sir"
"And what is the treatment?"
"A stiff wire brushing and a wipe down with Dettol sir."
The general is a bit stunned by this answer but continues anyway "And what do you want to do when you are recovered?"
"Get back to the front and rejoin my unit sir."
"Very good ." said the general as he strode to the next bed.
"Well?"
"Watkins sir, genital worts sir." states the solider sheepishly.
"Treatment?
"A stiff wire brushing and a wipe down with Dettol sir."
"And?"
"Get back to the front and rejoin my unit sir."
"Good, good."walking to the next bed in line.
"And you are?"
An angry looking solider replies with a struggling wheese "Dawerson sir, tonsillitis sir, and yes it is a stiff wire brushing followed by a dab of dettol, sir."
"And your wish solider"
"To get the bloody wire brushing done before those other two twits!" ;D


What does everybody think? I think it is a cracker.

[ThePup]

Apr 17, 2008 22:00:14 GMT 9.5 bigdave said:

What does everybody think? I think it is a cracker.

;D

One of my favourites....

Three top military officers, a Navy Admiral, Airforce Air Marshall and an Army general are retiring. The're told of the new payout scheme - pick two body parts, the measurement in cm between those points is the payout, in thousands of dollars.

Fine says the Navy guy, I'll take from the sole of my foot to the top of my head. Measuring tape comes out, 174cm - Fine, here's your payout, $174000. Airforce guy goes up, says he wants from fingertip to fingertip, arms outstreched. Tape comes out again, 179cm. He walks out with $179000. Army general goes up and tells them "The tip of my penis to the base of my balls". The board looks at him a little puzzled and says "You sure? The navy guy just got $174000, Airforce guy $179000.... You could get a lot more for your retirement fund..."

Army guy firmly states it again "Tip of my penis to the base of my balls". OK, Fine says the guy with the tape, Drop your pants.

Army guy drops his pants, and the guy doing the measuring exclaims "Good god man, where are your testicles?!", to which the general grins and says "Vietnam".

;D

[ash]

hahaha both of them bloody funny!
Vietnam... now that was a good war.

[ThePup]

Apr 18, 2008 13:34:06 GMT 9.5 @ash said:

Vietnam... now that was a good war.

..... It was? Is any war a good one? It's OK, I think I know what you mean though... It's certianly interesting to read about.

[Off Topic]
If you're interested in books on the matter, look for "In Good Company" by Gary McKay. Excellent book, and follow it up with "Sleeping with your ears open" by the same author, for an insight into Special Operations.

Games... FNG details up to about platoon level actions, great to play solo or same side, as you've got access to airstrikes, artillery, Spooky / Spectre gunships, Cas Evac.... 750Lb bombs give a 30" blast template! Don't wanna be near it!

FNG: Unconventional Warfare is a supplement to FNG, detailing special operations missions, with 5 - 10 guys per team, depending on who your playing... Haven't gotten around to running a mission yet, but it's a very different feel to a normal wargame.
[/Off Topic]

[JOHN THE VIKING]

i met a bunch of Vietnam vets any way

why did snoop dog need an umbrella?
fo' drizzle

[ash]

Yes, that definately fits into the bad jokes category.

Why do pigs make good spies?
They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.

[alex]

"Why did they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"



Two poor Indian immigrants migrate to Australia looking for a fresh start. After their first day, they both fell in love with the country and, before going their separate ways, arranged a bet to see who could be more "Australian" in five years.



Five years pass, and they both meet each other at a Citizenship ceremony.



The first Indian says, "I'm all Austrayin' now, mate. I've got meself a farm in the outback and make me living off the wheat belt. I drive a ute, play footy everyday, swear by VB and shacked up with a nice sheila. True blue aussie roo, that's me. So mate, how Austrayin' are you?"



The second Indian says, "f**k off, you towel-headed curry muncher."







Final Exam



This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two

sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty

well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such

that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two

friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend

before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,

they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with

some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all

day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday

morning.



Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find

Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they

missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the

weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that

they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and

couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back

to campus.



Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up

the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and

relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day

at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in

separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told

them to begin.



They looked at the first problem, which was something simple

about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they

thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and

then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what

they saw on the next page.



It said: (95 points) Which tire?





Guy picks up a hitchiker and after a while of driving they turn into a forest rd.

Little while later the hitcher says "Geez its dark in here, it gives me the willies"



Driver says,.. "Yeah , imagine how i am gonna feel driving back out all alone!"





~~~~~~~~~~





My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.



My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.



It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.



She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.



She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.



I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.



With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."









The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia)

were at a national beer conference.



They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.



The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, 'I'll have a Tooheys New.'



The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, 'I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.'



The bloke from Carlton says, 'I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.'



The General Manager from XXXX proudly says, 'I'll have a XXXX, the King of Beers.'



The General Manager of Coopers glances at his lunch mates and says, 'I'll have a Diet Coke.'





The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



He just shrugs and says, 'Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.'



~~~~~~~~~
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."



A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.



The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely

declines and tries to catch a few winks.



The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask

me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.



This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet,

agrees to play the game.



The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth

to the moon?'



The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a

five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.



Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill

with three legs, and comes down with four?'



The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air

phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends

e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.



After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the

redneck and hands him $500.



The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.



The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck

up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes

down with four?'



The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to

sleep.