Bad Jokes and Oxymoron's [rated M]

[draconis]

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman. "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?" Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over the road.

We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you." "Really?" says the duck. "Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman. "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looks very puzzled and finally says "But what the f**k would he want with a plasterer?"

[draconis]

The Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure, why not?" The
yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where

he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens
the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized

HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks

on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything
about my business...

Now give me back my dog."

[bigdave]

2 blokes and a very smart dog.

Two friends were standing at the bar drinking and bragging when the first one boasts “I’ve got the greatest pig dog in the world.”
“Get stuffed you do, your talking crap and I bet you $50 that you can’t prove it.” Demands that second man.
“Your on.” shouts the first shaking the second mans hand vigorously. “We will go out shooting tomorrow. I will pick you up from your place at 6am.
Tomorrow dawns on two saw heads the next day and we arrive in time to witness the second man opening the utes passenger door to be greeted by a scruffy and quite heavily scared mongrel who is lopsidedly staring at him whilst drooling all over the car seat.
“Is that what you got me out of bed at this time of the morning for?” states the man, pointing at the diseased looking dog.
“Just shut up, get in and don’t disrespect my dog. This is going to be the easiest $50 in a long time.”
Upon arriving at the hunting grounds the dog owner climbs out of the car, points to the closest clump of bushes and says “ JC, hunt!”
The dog (JC) bounds of happily and sniffs all around the bushes. Suddenly he stops and takes up the pointer stanch and barks once.
“There is one pig in there.” states the dog’s owner.
“Prove it.” Say the second.
“All right, follow me.”
They all disappear from sight into the bush. Soon a single gun shoot sounds and the three emerge from the scrub dragging a dead pig, the first man with a very smug look on his face. “Lucky, that all it was’ Claims the second.
“I ill get my money yet.”
They travel a bit further to the next clump and all this happens again, except this time the dog barks three times. Three shot later and they drag out three pigs.”I’m still not convinced.” complains the second.
“We can try that clump over there.” The grinning owner points next to the Ute.
The process go differently this time as the dog starts sniffing around the bushes, then stop, cringes and whimpers, picks a stick up of the ground in him mouth, trots over to one of the dead pig and wipes the stick in the blood of the carcass. He then runs back over to the bush and begins rapidly stabbing to stick into the bush. Finally he throws the stick away and proceeds to hide in the back of the Ute.
“What the hell was all that about?” asks the second man.
Looking very confused the dogs owner replies “I don’t know, I have never seen him do anything like that before. Let’s go have a look.
The men enter the bush and not 25 seconds later are running for there lives back out of the scrub being hotly perused by dozens of angry pigs.
“I know what your dog meant,” states the gasping second man as he retrieves $50 from his pocket “More pigs than you can poke a bloody stick at.”

[bigdave]

Now for a couple of well known Oxymoron's

"Truth in Advertising"

"Honest Politician"

"Accurate Reporting"

[draconis]

Redhead, Blonde and Brunette are talking in the waiting room of the Obstetrics clinic.

Redhead states to the others, "I'm going to have a big healthy girl. I know that because when we concieved our child I was on top so I know this child will be a healthy strong minded girl as I was the dominant partner!"

Brunette states in reply, "I'm going to have a big strong boy. I know that because when we concieved our child my partner was on top so I know this child will be a strapping young lad as my partner was the dominant partner!"

Blonde at this stage is looking distraught and breaks into fits of uncontrolled tears.

Other girls try to console her and ask what's the problem and, through the tears she finally manages to blurt out one sentence...

"I don't wanna have puppies!!!"

[draconis]

Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife – she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[draconis]

A stranger is sitting next to a little girl on a plane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh$t?'

[draconis]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie. Mick, do you have a story to share?" asked the Teacher

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the pi$$."

[bigdave]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ;D

Somebody help me up<I think I cracked a rib and this carpet is dirty and tastes horrible.

[JOHN THE VIKING]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that was a good'n

if your an Australian outside the toilet what r u in inside the toilet???..........
..........European

[draconis]

May 8, 2008 21:04:31 GMT 9.5 JOHN THE VIKING said:

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha that was a good'n

if your an Australian outside the toilet what r u in inside the toilet???..........
..........European

GROAN!!!!!!! ;D

[steve]

haha. an oxymoron:
FUNRUN:

WTF!?!?! has ANYONE in the HISTORY of "FUNRUNS" enjoyed one SECOND of it!!!

[draconis]

Three Aussie service men, a soldier, a sailor n' a pilot had just returned to Australia after a long tour in Iraq...

It'd been a long flight and all they all wanted to get home to their families.

They finally got out of the airport terminal after long delays with custom officials and lost luggage etc.

They get out to where their cars were stored, only to find that one of their cars had a flat battery, and another had three flat tires...

Which one of the three drove the other two home?

[steve]

umm... dunno...

[ThePup]

AK-47: It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.
AR-15: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon
infused oil for cleaning.
Mosin-Nagant: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.

AK-47: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR-15: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
Mosin-Nagant: You can hit the barn from two miles away.

AK-47: Cheap mags are fun to buy.
AR-15: Cheap mags melt.
Mosin-Nagant: What's a mag?

AK-47: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR-15 You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the
trigger.
Mosin-Nagant: What's a safety?

AK-47: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR-15: Your rifle has a 9-point stealth tactical suspension system.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has a dog collar.

AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR-15: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
Mosin-Nagant: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.

AK-47: You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak.
AR-15: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 10
rounds.
Mosin-Nagant: You knock down everyone else's target with the shock
wave of your bullet going downrange.

AK-47: When out of ammo, your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR-15: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
Mosin-Nagant: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club,
pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.

AK-47: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR-15: What's a recoil?
Mosin-Nagant: Recoil is often used to fix shoulders dislocated by the
previous shot.

AK-47: Your sight adjustment goes to 10, and you've never bothered
moving it.
AR-15: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of
angle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your sight adjustment goes to 2000 meters, and you've
actually tried it.

AK-47: Your rifle can be used by any two-bit nation's most illiterate
conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR-15: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two-bit
nations' most illiterate conscripts.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has fought against itself - and won every
time.

AK-47: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR-15: Your rifle drove Saddam out of Kuwait.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

AK-47: You paid $330.
AR-15: You paid $900.
Mosin-Nagant: You paid $59.95.

AK-47: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR-15: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
Mosin-Nagant: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and
it works just fine.

AK-47: You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.
AR-15: Your foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.
Mosin-Nagant: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the stream
without leaving the comfort of your hole.

AK-47: Any fool can be taught to field strip it.
AR-15: Anyone with an IQ over 160 can be taught to field strip it.
Mosin-Nagant: What's field stripping?

AK-47: Service life, 50 years.
AR-15: Service life, 40 years.
Mosin-Nagant: Service life, 101 years, and counting.

AK-47: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change
cartridge sizes.
AR-15: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of
pins and a new upper.
Mosin-Nagant: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of
his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54 R.

AK-47: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR-15: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith,
if it's under warranty!
Mosin-Nagant: If your rifle breaks, you pick up another one.

AK-47: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards
to burst into flames.
AR-15: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5
shot group.
Mosin-Nagant: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds
without the aid of a 2x4.

AK-47: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice
stock set.
AR-15: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than
your rifle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny
lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in
Budapest.

AK-47: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
AR-15: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high-tech polymers.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle's finish is low-grade shellac, cosmoline, and
Olga's toe nails.

AK-47: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff
shot of vodka.
AR-15: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hot dogs
and apple pie.
Mosin-Nagant: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for
shishkabob.

AK-47: After a long day the range, you relax by watching Red Dawn.
AR-15: After a long day at the range, you relax by watching Black Hawk
Down.
Mosin-Nagant: After a long day at the range, you relax by visiting the
chiropractor.

AK-47: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your
rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
AR-15: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear
your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
Mosin-Nagant: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to
dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.

AK-47: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail
Kalashnikov.
AR-15: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene
Stoner.
Mosin-Nagant: Are there even photographs of Sergi Ivanovich Mosin and
Leon Nagant?

[ash]

Im assuming that those are guns?

haha... just kidding. Post pics of these, i go on looks cause im a sucker for aesthetics!

[ThePup]

Jun 1, 2008 10:26:52 GMT 9.5 @ash said:

Im assuming that those are guns?

haha... just kidding. Post pics of these, i go on looks cause im a sucker for aesthetics!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ak_47

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AR-15

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mosin-Nagant

[draconis]

May 27, 2008 20:16:31 GMT 9.5 draconis said:

Three Aussie service men, a soldier, a sailor n' a pilot had just returned to Australia after a long tour in Iraq...

It'd been a long flight and all they all wanted to get home to their families.

They finally got out of the airport terminal after long delays with custom officials and lost luggage etc.

They get out to where their cars were stored, only to find that one of their cars had a flat battery, and another had three flat tires...

Which one of the three drove the other two home?

Heh... I mean't to give the punchline to this one the following morning, but forgot

Any hoo... It was the soldier. He had the Kahkis ;D

[draconis]

AK-47: It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.
AR-15: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon
infused oil for cleaning.
Mosin-Nagant: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.

Etc, etc, etc...

Blood funny... ;D ;D ;D